Phil's-Osophy

By Phil Dunphy

1. Always look people in the eye, even if they’re blind. Just say, “I’m looking you in the eye.”

2. If you get pulled over for speeding tell the police your spouse has diarrhea.

3. You only get one chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia Child because it’s easy to do. “Save the giblets.”

4. The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you if you just lower your expectations.

5. Dance until your feet hurt, sing until your lungs hurt, act until you’re William Hurt.

6. Take a lesson from parakeets. If you’re ever lonely, just eat in front of a mirror.

7. Never be afraid to reach for the stars because even if you fall you’ll always be wearing a “parent-chute.”

8. Marry someone who looks sexy when disappointed.

9. Older black ladies make the best iced tea.

10. Success is one percent inspiration, 98 percent perspiration, and 2 percent attention to detail.

11. You can tell a lot about a person by his biography.

12. Watch a sunrise at least once a day.

13. If you love something set it free, unless it’s a tiger.

14. If you’re ever in a jam, a crayon stuffed up your nose makes a good pretend mustache.

15. When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will all be like “What?”